The Far Off Spire

So I'm stuck between being monumentally unsettled and yet still not settling.  Sounds like fun, right?  Yeah.  Basically I've only barely started this new job, thinking that I can freelance and work at this retail store, but honestly, it's a lot.  I'm on my feet all day at the store, and then to come home and do other work BEFORE going to work on my own stuff?  It feels like working these piecemeal jobs that I can't have the time to write.

I also feel like I can't just do freelance or just do retail; neither pays enough.  Not making enough money is obviously a stress all it's own, but the real threat I care about is the threat to my writing.  Which is why, barely into a new job, I think I may be looking for another one already.

I just feel like for this whole year, nothing has been enough.  Yes, I know it's a recession and crazy overpaid jobs are hard to come by, and yes, this sounds ridiculously egotistical, but I am a smart, well educated woman, why the hell can't I figure this out, or find a job that can do everything I need it to??

In so many ways, 2009 is closing out the same as it started: staring after that far off spire of success and financial comfort, and feeling like I'm not making any progress reaching for it.