Thursday
Aug272009
Let's See How Far We've Come
Thursday, August 27, 2009 at 10:38AM
I'm turning 25 in November, and while that is a good deal away, this milestone has been bearing down on me for the past six months, and not because I give a damn about getting older, but I feel like I haven't accomplished much, which leads me wonder if I've wasted time--my ultimate antigoal (is antigoal a word? It so should be). I'm in a long delayed, drawn out field for the sheer love of it, and it's not like I'm earning much money or advancing quickly in the ranks. I don't have a significant relationship or a child.
Last night, I was looking for something to thumb through while I went to bed, and amidst sloping piles of notebooks that I've been trying to organize (unsuccessfully; I've accepted that my life tilts toward chaos in books), I found my senior thesis (we called it a dissertation in the UK, but American's would call it a thesis). It was a creative writing project, and I wrote a short story called "The Tournament". I loved it. And I loved reading it again. In the back I had to write an explanatory essay and I remembered the whole process, beginning to end, and I loved it. Something that I struck on in the essay was that this thesis was the culmination of my undergraduate career because it was the beginning of my professional career; this was my life long passion, this was my purpose.
At the time, it was a revelation. I never thought that I could make money as a writer and I knew I was choosing something against the grain and unpopular, but I wanted it more than anything, and I became (slowly) convinced that I had no business doing anything else other than writing. So this thesis was like my statement of purpose, my chosen path for the rest of my life.
For better or for worse (really, at the moment, it's looking toward worse) I'm in this industry. I'm not published but I don't have much of a choice; I know what I want and I don't have it in me to give it up now. That's not what I'm made of. And somehow I think that girl two years ago would be thrilled to know that, even if she was aware that (contrary to her staunch beliefs) she wouldn't be published yet.
It makes me wonder if the real success here is simply not giving up. Of course, that's not the success I want--I will always aspire for more. I found something that I love (an extraordinary stroke of luck in and of itself) and I've had the (occasionally shaky) resources to follow that. I've had the determination to follow that. Even if it's not the best of circumstances, I'm Tim Gunn-ing it. I'm making it work. I think there's a purity of purpose now that I won't always have, and for the moment, I'm appreciating it.
This could all also be because it finally feels like the heat broke a little, and the morning was chilly and cool. Which means FALL IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!
Last night, I was looking for something to thumb through while I went to bed, and amidst sloping piles of notebooks that I've been trying to organize (unsuccessfully; I've accepted that my life tilts toward chaos in books), I found my senior thesis (we called it a dissertation in the UK, but American's would call it a thesis). It was a creative writing project, and I wrote a short story called "The Tournament". I loved it. And I loved reading it again. In the back I had to write an explanatory essay and I remembered the whole process, beginning to end, and I loved it. Something that I struck on in the essay was that this thesis was the culmination of my undergraduate career because it was the beginning of my professional career; this was my life long passion, this was my purpose.
At the time, it was a revelation. I never thought that I could make money as a writer and I knew I was choosing something against the grain and unpopular, but I wanted it more than anything, and I became (slowly) convinced that I had no business doing anything else other than writing. So this thesis was like my statement of purpose, my chosen path for the rest of my life.
For better or for worse (really, at the moment, it's looking toward worse) I'm in this industry. I'm not published but I don't have much of a choice; I know what I want and I don't have it in me to give it up now. That's not what I'm made of. And somehow I think that girl two years ago would be thrilled to know that, even if she was aware that (contrary to her staunch beliefs) she wouldn't be published yet.
It makes me wonder if the real success here is simply not giving up. Of course, that's not the success I want--I will always aspire for more. I found something that I love (an extraordinary stroke of luck in and of itself) and I've had the (occasionally shaky) resources to follow that. I've had the determination to follow that. Even if it's not the best of circumstances, I'm Tim Gunn-ing it. I'm making it work. I think there's a purity of purpose now that I won't always have, and for the moment, I'm appreciating it.
This could all also be because it finally feels like the heat broke a little, and the morning was chilly and cool. Which means FALL IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!
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