This is the Fear

I've mentioned lately how much it's wearing on me that I can't just write full time.  That I haven't after all this time, managed to secure any kind of permanent interest or contract.  And since I've been facing up to my fears and shortcomings lately, I'll cop to this one.

Tonight I've been reading what I call my ramblings.  They are a folder of rants, pretty much the things that are too self pitying to go into blogs, or rants pre-blogging, things I couldn't say aloud because they're melodramatic and self-indulgent.  And many of them, horrifically, were about writing, and the dream job, and applying, and waiting to hear.

On the one hand, I realize that it's been a few years filled with more than my fair share of applications, for grants, positions, fundings, and of course, publication.  Like a skewed statistic, I put my self up for consideration on a daily basis, which kind of raises the tally a bit.  But I get rejected all the time.  Constantly.  It's almost a joke--you know, almost.

So I realize I'm kind of asking for it.  But dear God, I wrote that rant 2 years ago and it sounded like I could have written it today.  I'm still in the same position. I'm not succeeding at what I want to succeed at (like even a little!  I'm considering a retail job, for the love of God!  How does that help me be a fiction writer?), and the gut wrenching fear that I've never wanted to admit is that maybe I won't ever succeed.

Maybe I'm not as talented as I think.

And what the hell do I do if that's true?

In self pitying moments I imagine publishing to be this hot guy, and my writing is all like "Omg, we're so going to date!  It's meant to be!"

And publishing hears this from his friends (or Twitter) and is like, "Um, psycho much?"

And my writing's all, "No, seriously.  You just don't know it yet.  We're going to be so MAJOR!"

But from Publishing's perspective, my writing is just a creepy stalker. Publishing keeps rolling it's eyes and is like, seriously, will you just give up already?

And my writing's like, "Look, I'll add some commercial plot twists.  And some new characters that are "witty".  I'll lose, like, 10,000 words.  Will that make you love me?!"

And Publishing nudges over a restraining order.

Is this a business where you just keep on trucking, or at some point (around handcuffs time) do I have to acknowledge the figurative restraining order/lack of interest from the publishing world?

Part of me still believes you can get what you want by working at it hard enough.

But part of me thinks there's no where left to go.

So that's the fear.