Thursday
Jan142010
End/Beginning/End Again
Thursday, January 14, 2010 at 11:36PM
Today I was having a kind of down night, one of those nights when I'm just so worried that it's not going to happen for me. IT. I'm not going to:
1. Get a novel published
2. Be SUPER successful as an author
3. Be paid to write
4. Ever see my book on a retail shelf, or
5. Get an agent or any sort of contract from anyone/where
And worse, I'm having one of those days where I think I'm not even going to manage to:
1. Get any kind of job
2. Ever get out of debt or have a savings account that isn't a punchline
3. Ever, ever, ever take a vacation. Ever.
So then I'm moping on the couch, curled up with a sweatshirt blanket and watching me some Private Practice. And when I'm mopey I like to mull things over, sort of this Gollum-like speech in my head about, ooh it's so terrible, ohh it's so sad, ooh you're so pathetic, mehhhhh, etc. That's just how I roll. And then I was sort of like,
"Well, maybe tomorrow both an agent and an editor will email me saying how much they LOVE my book and then I'll have two contracts at once and it will all be PERFECT!"
And I wonder if this is a great strength or the root of all my problems. My first inclination is to think it's a strength--I mean, it's a good thing, to look in the face of constant rejection and lack of funds and say it might all turn around the next day, right?
But isn't that also the rationalization for playing the lottery?
So all in all I'm actually feeling more confused. But still hopeful. So that's good, right?
Maybe I should stay away from scratch tickets for a while. Just in case.
1. Get a novel published
2. Be SUPER successful as an author
3. Be paid to write
4. Ever see my book on a retail shelf, or
5. Get an agent or any sort of contract from anyone/where
And worse, I'm having one of those days where I think I'm not even going to manage to:
1. Get any kind of job
2. Ever get out of debt or have a savings account that isn't a punchline
3. Ever, ever, ever take a vacation. Ever.
So then I'm moping on the couch, curled up with a sweatshirt blanket and watching me some Private Practice. And when I'm mopey I like to mull things over, sort of this Gollum-like speech in my head about, ooh it's so terrible, ohh it's so sad, ooh you're so pathetic, mehhhhh, etc. That's just how I roll. And then I was sort of like,
"Well, maybe tomorrow both an agent and an editor will email me saying how much they LOVE my book and then I'll have two contracts at once and it will all be PERFECT!"
And I wonder if this is a great strength or the root of all my problems. My first inclination is to think it's a strength--I mean, it's a good thing, to look in the face of constant rejection and lack of funds and say it might all turn around the next day, right?
But isn't that also the rationalization for playing the lottery?
So all in all I'm actually feeling more confused. But still hopeful. So that's good, right?
Maybe I should stay away from scratch tickets for a while. Just in case.
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