Sunday
Apr252010
I Can't Go On; I'll Go On
Sunday, April 25, 2010 at 06:10AM
So yeah, I watched BandSlam. One of my friends told me it was stupid good, and aside from dubious female casting (really, Vanessa Hudgens? The Aly and AJ chick was way better, but I thought she was Ashley Tisdale until I looked at IMDB), I'd even leave off the stupid and just call it good. To the point that I did a little "NO WAY!" when David Bowie shows up at the end.
And it was immediately followed by a sharp inhale. Not in a gaspy sort of way, but in that way that I'm kind of getting used to--the "what if all MY dreams don't work out as perfectly as this? And to wit, why hasn't it happened yet? Does that mean it's never GOING to happen?" way. (I know, that's kind of a loaded inhalation).
I'm going on a month-ish since the novel was sent out to publishers, and there hasn't been much response. My agent tells me this is progressing perfectly, and I fully believe her; what can I say, I'm given to outlandish fantasies, from imagining all my dreams coming true to imagining them all going up in flames--and yes, I treat both imposters just the same.
Part of me feels like this is the competition, the make or break situation of epic proportions, and then part of me goes, "Well what will it change? If I don't get published right now, who cares?" I know I'm not giving up soon.
But lately this third little voice has crept in: what if I get the contract, get published, and it's lame? Maybe I'm like every author out there, but I believe that I'm a good writer and people will buy the book if I can just get it to them. I even go so far as to think a publisher, once they give it an honest chance, will want to pay a decent amount of money for it. Not enough for me to be supported solely as a writer for a while, but enough so that (let's be honest) my family will be impressed and acknowledge this is actually a career.
Not that they DONT, it's just that I don't think they think there is money in it, and I do. I think I care about the quality of what I'm producing and that will be represented in dollar signs.
But what if it doesn't? I mean, what if I get published, and it's not the way I anticipated? What if I get bought for a small advance and relatively limited distribution--ie, I get my dream, but not the way I pictured it/planned?
Does that matter?
And it was immediately followed by a sharp inhale. Not in a gaspy sort of way, but in that way that I'm kind of getting used to--the "what if all MY dreams don't work out as perfectly as this? And to wit, why hasn't it happened yet? Does that mean it's never GOING to happen?" way. (I know, that's kind of a loaded inhalation).
I'm going on a month-ish since the novel was sent out to publishers, and there hasn't been much response. My agent tells me this is progressing perfectly, and I fully believe her; what can I say, I'm given to outlandish fantasies, from imagining all my dreams coming true to imagining them all going up in flames--and yes, I treat both imposters just the same.
Part of me feels like this is the competition, the make or break situation of epic proportions, and then part of me goes, "Well what will it change? If I don't get published right now, who cares?" I know I'm not giving up soon.
But lately this third little voice has crept in: what if I get the contract, get published, and it's lame? Maybe I'm like every author out there, but I believe that I'm a good writer and people will buy the book if I can just get it to them. I even go so far as to think a publisher, once they give it an honest chance, will want to pay a decent amount of money for it. Not enough for me to be supported solely as a writer for a while, but enough so that (let's be honest) my family will be impressed and acknowledge this is actually a career.
Not that they DONT, it's just that I don't think they think there is money in it, and I do. I think I care about the quality of what I'm producing and that will be represented in dollar signs.
But what if it doesn't? I mean, what if I get published, and it's not the way I anticipated? What if I get bought for a small advance and relatively limited distribution--ie, I get my dream, but not the way I pictured it/planned?
Does that matter?
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