Friday
May212010
blogging? wha? oh, right
Friday, May 21, 2010 at 10:30PM
sorry for the absence, love bugs!
well work's been a little crazy, and while that's no excuse, it seems to be an awfully good reason. i've been thinking about work lately though--not my job specifically, but like work destinies.
so, i didn't get the fellowships that i applied for this year; both i was bummed about for different ways. first, because it's still like "awesome, I'm not good enough". second, because it means that i won't spend next year underneath a tree/on a beach writing my days away.
and while i was waiting to hear, i was wishing on eyelashes and airplanes, just praying that i would find a job i was happy with so that if i didn't get these fellowships, i would survive. i have a job i'm happy with that even allows me time to write and pays them bills, but its occurred to me that maybe it means i was never going to get those fellowships, like i never even had a shot, and the universe was lessening the blow.
which is good, because if i had nothing, i'd be pretty bummed.
but it's also the first step. it's a comfortable, non-writing job that i'm happy in. it's totally separate from my writing career, and while it will never swallow it up, it won't depend on it either. working crappy part time jobs, the hope of personal success is literally your bread and butter, and without it you can't sustain. for the first time i can see myself sustaining. the pressure's off.
and i'm not sure that's a good thing.
i mean, this also coincides with the time when SCARLET is distinctly out of my hands; i'm waiting for news. i've gotten some positive feedback from editors (but not like LETS GO TO AUCTION yet, so i'm hesitant to talk to much about the positive part) and some rejections. so maybe a great job is a gift from the gods to make it sting less.
ha. would ANYTHING make it sting less?
i'm terrified to succeed, i'm petrified to fail (though to be honest, i know the procedure with rejection. you get up and start again. i'm not as familiar with success!), i'm scared of being too complacent and i'm worried about not being secure enough. and the only thing i can do is keep on keeping on.
jesus.
well work's been a little crazy, and while that's no excuse, it seems to be an awfully good reason. i've been thinking about work lately though--not my job specifically, but like work destinies.
so, i didn't get the fellowships that i applied for this year; both i was bummed about for different ways. first, because it's still like "awesome, I'm not good enough". second, because it means that i won't spend next year underneath a tree/on a beach writing my days away.
and while i was waiting to hear, i was wishing on eyelashes and airplanes, just praying that i would find a job i was happy with so that if i didn't get these fellowships, i would survive. i have a job i'm happy with that even allows me time to write and pays them bills, but its occurred to me that maybe it means i was never going to get those fellowships, like i never even had a shot, and the universe was lessening the blow.
which is good, because if i had nothing, i'd be pretty bummed.
but it's also the first step. it's a comfortable, non-writing job that i'm happy in. it's totally separate from my writing career, and while it will never swallow it up, it won't depend on it either. working crappy part time jobs, the hope of personal success is literally your bread and butter, and without it you can't sustain. for the first time i can see myself sustaining. the pressure's off.
and i'm not sure that's a good thing.
i mean, this also coincides with the time when SCARLET is distinctly out of my hands; i'm waiting for news. i've gotten some positive feedback from editors (but not like LETS GO TO AUCTION yet, so i'm hesitant to talk to much about the positive part) and some rejections. so maybe a great job is a gift from the gods to make it sting less.
ha. would ANYTHING make it sting less?
i'm terrified to succeed, i'm petrified to fail (though to be honest, i know the procedure with rejection. you get up and start again. i'm not as familiar with success!), i'm scared of being too complacent and i'm worried about not being secure enough. and the only thing i can do is keep on keeping on.
jesus.
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