fight fight fight

you know what, universe, frankly I'm a little sick of your attitude.  i don't appreciate you taking that tone with me.  i definitely don't appreciate this horrible feeling of being completely and rather helplessly downtrodden, victimized by fate, waiting for good news that hasn't come--that, maybe, isn't coming.

i've thought a lot lately that maybe i've lost my faith.  maybe i've lost that feeling that everything is going to work out, so just keep believing--and yes, that's true.  everything will not just magically work out because it has to, because i have some inane sense of entitlement about the matter.  i understand that perfectly.

i don't really think it has to do with faith, though.  I think it has to do with fight.  I was not raised, i am not built, to sit idly by.  i'm not really made for sitting by the blackberry waiting for that email, for that call, that will change everything.  i'm not this girl that is totally terrified and wallowing in it, paralyzed by the idea that i may or may not get published.  for the past six months, it's felt entirely out of my hands, beyond my control, leaving me in this suspended spiderweb of awkward limbo.

let me repeat, in case you missed in (in case I missed it)--I. am. not. this. girl.

Maybe it's hubris, maybe it's calling down the lightning bolts, but i will get published.  one day, one manuscript, it will all work out.  I hope it's scarlet, that would be fantastic, but i'm realistic enough to know that it took me a damn lot of tries before scarlet to get this far.  it would be fantastic to surf along on scarlet's wave right into the beach, but i understand that it might not be this one.

i think a lot of the trepidation i've been feeling has somehow been centered around the idea that this is my last chance.  this one's for all the marbles.  mostly because, for the past six months, i haven't lighted on a new project.  i haven't found the next novel, the next scarlet that will be my next best chance.  that's a terrifying feeling.  but it's also a damning cycle, because that fear has prevented me from finding that next novel.

at the moment i'm working on something new, but it's also got a lot in common with scarlet.  i'm going with it for now and i'll judge it later.

no matter if this novel goes somewhere or not, this is not my last chance. you hear me, universe?  you can put me down for the count on this one, but it doesn't mean you've seen the last of me.  it's doesn't mean i'm done.  i won't give up because i simply don't know how to give up.  it's just not in me, and though that may translate to a wretch with negative energy and substantial bitterness by the end of this, i don't care.  I've said from the first i'm in this for the long haul, however my verdict comes back.

learning to fight, remembering to fight, and struggling to fight is always the most crucial, most rewarding part of the journey.

and i'm not done fighting.

so bring it on.