exactly as it should be. i think...

i've already admitted that i watch THE FASHION SHOW on Bravo obsessively.  I've already talked about my personal investment in the show, because I'm not sure if I'm more the 22 year old ingenue that's fresh out of the gates and bursting with everything, or the 35 year old designer that's weathered and tough and at the top of her game because she's had to struggle for it.

i worried that watching the 22 year old win would be like the universe saying "it wasn't a matter of gaining life experience.  you weren't good enough, she obviously is.  game over" and that would be the end of it.  i felt like maybe, just maybe, her getting a competition handed to her would be a cosmic put down to me.

and yet watching the 35 year old win would reinforce the sad fact that i've got a long time to wait.

the 35 year old won.  to be honest, i liked her collection better.  she did better work.  i'm really happy for her.  and the 22 year got a consolation prize and a ton of connections in the real world.

here's the thing, where the conversation veers back into narcissism.  to the universe, please, please don't make me wait just because you know i will.  it's not fair.  i'm broke and confused in every aspect of my life except this one thing, except this vital heart throb, and i won't give it up, not ever.  now please don't be a five year old and make me prove it, because the same thing will be true then that is now.  i won't give it up, not ever.  i'll just be more broke, still living with my mother, and possibly referred to as the girl who cried wolf by everyone who knows me because all i do is talk about writing.

its been a tough two years since graduation.  kind of like surfing, where you're carried forward irrepressibly on a wave, and then the wave cycles out and you're sucked out a little bit, beyond the surf, and then just pushed onto the beach.  grounded.  and you have to make your own way to where ever you're going from there because the ocean has done its bit.  i've had the heady rush of instant success, the dull pain of rejection after rejection after rejection, and i'm on the long walk.  i AM the long walk.

all i'm asking for is a signpost, an indication that i'm going in the right direction and i have a somewhat more than vague hope to accomplish what i set out to accomplish.  and until then, i'll keep walking.

what a day

1.  i have a new job.  they did say they're trying me out, so i don't know how temporary or permanent it may be, but i'm going to be working for a website for boston, brookline, and cambridge.  woot woot!

2.  i saw the new harry potter.  i do have to say it wasn't the same blend of ineffable humor and normalcy against the danger and darkness that the others were, but it was true to the book in that respect and appropriate for the overall plot.  and i shed a dutiful tear for <the ending>, but I have to say I bawled at the end of Order of the Phoenix and this <ending> didn't have the same effect on me.  But there was still a single tear.

3.  i got suddenly inspired by the trailers in a way that may have me setting aside arianna for a little while.  suddenly i just got really inspired to start my next project, and got the feeling that it might be a timely, necessary move.  it's a take on the robin hood tale (which anyone who knows me is aware is the root of my thief obsession)(which is a major obsession).  it started with a short story i wrote ages ago, but i've been dying to make it into a full novel.

4.  my mother is becoming a mac user.  hell has frozen over, mostly with the thick crust of my jealousy.  i would have bought a macbook, but i could afford the comparable model.  :-(

i think this means i might spend some quality time at the lib tomorrow to do some robin hood research...who knows!

changes are a'comin'

you may have noticed the hullaballo that's been going on over here.

you may not.

anyway, here's the deal:  the final word is now permanently at WWW.FINALWORD.ORG .  just that simple.  fyi, ACGAUGHEN.COM will also get you here.  handy, right?

i'm slowly discovering the joys of wordpress, so bear with me while the blog grows and changes and gets a little awkward for a while.

in other news, this week i'm going to be working pretty hard to try and get some magazine pitches together because i really want to get into this field.  and of course, working on arianna.  and it's my brothers' birthday fortnight, so the next 10-14 days are going to be lots  of family and celebrations, starting with the Cape League All Star Game on thursday and Red Sox box seats (YAY!!) on friday.  really, what better way to kick off the weekend?  and we haven't even started on cake yet....

so this week should be pretty fun!

eeek.

matters of business:

1. sorry about any additional tweets that may be going out while i try to reclaim my blog, which i accidentally deleted along with my website.

2.  if anyone actually really missed my blog, it all still exists in notes on facebook, so just friend me there.

3.  i had another point, but i guess i mentally deleted that too.

live and die for fashion

so, on bravo tv’s THE FASHION SHOW, daniella is a 22 year old fresh out of college.  she’s young, cocky, and full of talent and she’s going for her dreams with all pistons firing.

i really want her to win.  like desperately.  and i’ll also be a little pissed if she wins.  part of me thinks anna has paid her dues and deserves the chance to come up to the big leagues and design her own collection.  part of me thinks anna is the better designer for struggling through it, but part of me also wants the young ingenue to get everything she’s ever wished for.

what on earth does this have to do with writing, or better yet, something other than my obsessive compulsive need to consume bravo tv?

i’m both of them at once.  part of me is still 22 and desperately hopeful that right out of the gates someone will give me my chance to shine and i will hit the ground running and get every chance i’ve ever wanted.  part of me still believes so hard core that just wishing it will bring it into reality, and part of me believes that if you’ve wanted something all your life, you deserve it, no matter how short the life.

and yet, part of me is starting to feel the weariness of not being 22.  the feeling that really, i could be at this so much longer until i get my big break.  i could be at this forever without getting the break.  the terrible fear that this won’t happen for a long, long time and i have to buckle down and accept that.  because i’ve told the universe from day one that i’m not giving up.

part of me is scared the universe is making me put my money–and my heart–where my mouth is.

i don’t know what it says, but i voted for daniella.  and i’m still hoping to get called into the big leagues every single day.  it’s exhausting, but i’ll never stop hoping, trying, and fighting. hang in there anna.